from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize