maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
