and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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