I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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