Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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