Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can I color on your dick again?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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