I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
