I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
