Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
a search helicopter?!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
