I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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