Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
