mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
