if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize