I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
