we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
