my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
COCAINE IS GR8
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
