it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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