I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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