my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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