Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
