Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
