Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
