Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
