I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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