She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
