I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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