weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
