I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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