Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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