I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
