She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize