I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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