trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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