you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
