We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
