so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
