Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
