I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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