You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
