I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
