I want you more than these girls want KFC
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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