Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
