There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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