how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
