Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
