i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
