I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
