just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
