that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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