Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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