even my farts smell like vagina
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
