you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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