I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
