I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
