that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
