I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
