oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
