I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
