$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
