these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
