I think I am morally bankrupt
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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